Well, Hellooo there…..

Hello All!!

Has it really been two months?!?  Yep it has, and Ms. Tracy has missed you all so much!  I have been between a rock and a hard place with this whole weight loss thing and whether or not to continue….

When we last got together, I was in the middle of an almost debilitating setback.   Over the holidays (from November to February!!) I went on an out of control eating binge that undid months of hard work.  I gained back 45 of the 94 pounds that I had lost since September of 08.  A sugar and carb overload triggered a complete shutdown of my neurotransmitters and a very deep depression had set in.  Add to this about 50 feet of snow, below freezing temps, and a bad case of SAD.  Ms. Tracy could not get any lower.   I entertained thoughts of getting a treadmill or some gym equipment to make up for not being able to go outside, but by that time I had gone back into my self-made prison and closed and locked the door.

I must not have hit a total bottom, because I still weighed in and tried to at least get to a Weight Watchers meeting.  But the more the scale went up, the tighter my clothes stared getting, and the worse I started to feel (hellooo female problems) the more I retreated back into my little cell.  Truthfully, I don’t think that I can blame depression totally – I was ashamed that I had fallen AGAIN.  Even tho I was still ahead of the game ( I was still more than forty pounds less than I was when I started)  the person that I had carefully cultivated with diet and exercise was gone.  And the person that I hated (yes – hated!) was back.  Bloated face, bleary eyes, chunky middle……all came back with a vengeance.

I was going to do what I did the last time I fell from grace….give up and disappear.  From the looks of things in the blogosphere, everyone does it.  Just quietly go, don’t answer the emails from Ms. Johnson or Katrina , my leader atWW,  and have another chocolate sundae beer float.  Accept the “fact” that this is what I am supposed to be, how I am supposed to feel, and how am supposed to live.   Give.  Up.

My 44th birthday was in February, and I celebrated like I usually do – all out blast with the girls, Chippendale dancer (Actually, it was more like a Chip in Hell dancer – how you gonna be try to be sexxy with a belly roll and back fat?  AND a thong…ewww).  The next day, I went shopping for my “gift to myself” and remembered that I still had the $300 Macy gift card that WW had sent me last year.   I won that prize for being an “Inspiration” – didn’t quite feel like one, tho.  I didn’t want to buy any clothes in a bigger size – too depressing.  Already had a shoe and boot collection that would put Imelda Marcos to shame, and this years styles looked like something a hooker would wear (open toed BOOTS?!  No, Kimora, just no….)….and it would be the nail in the coffin of defeat if I spent it all in the Godiva chocolate section…

So, I decided to get a nice piece of jewelry, something to keep and to remind me of what my hard work got me.   I was going to go with a pair of earrings, but I decided on a really cute heart shaped Amethyst and diamond ring.  I usually have to send my jewelry away to get sized, or do the pinky ring thing, but surprisingly, this ring fit snugly and securely on my ring finger.  Hmm, well I wasn’t where I wanted to be , weight wise, but I wasn’t where I started either.   I decided to make this ring my promise ring to myself.  I promised myself that no matter what setback, no matter what excuse I could dream up for not being where I should be – I would not give up.  I am not a quitter, I will not go back to LaneBryant and buy new clothes when I have a closet full of 10-12′s ( and one 8, boo hoo!!) to get into, I will not abandon my goals, I will not let the weather stop me from my new passion, running!  I WILL NOT GIVE UP!!

So, for the last two months, I have weathered the snow (walking poles !!),  the rain, and the nice weather (finally!!) and started pounding the pavement again.  I have also returned to Weight Watchers.  This combo – nothing like it in the world. The heart pounding , the sore knees, the flushing of your skin – yep that first WW meeting weigh in was a bitch!  The running was a lot easier….

So far, since I have be back on track, I have lost 20 pounds .  But I can do that in my sleep.  In fact, I am back in my element of losing weight, the easy part, the fun and exciting part.

I have also been doing lots of research as to the whats and why’s of falling off of the wagon, fat acceptance, doctors, aging and lots of other cool stuff.   I will be sharing all of this with you in the coming weeks along with my progress.

Lovely to be back y’all – We Can Do It!